heyho whatsupp. Ini blog bener-bener terlantarkan ya..
‾▿‾" Siapa dulu, gw~
Anyways, it's been about 5 months since I last posted anything. I have really become.....an abandoner, I think. Saying shits like "I will definitely maintain this" and stuff, but lately I haven't had any satisfying record of fulfilling my promises. If you have known me for quite a long time, you probably should have known that I'm a perfectionist. I take things seriously, and although that aspect of me has gotten me favours during working environment, it has made me suffer a great deal in social life :/
Ya, dengan kata lain, banyak orang bilang gw ga santai. Dan gw
ga suka sebenernya kalo orang nganggep gw begitu. Tapi kalau memang gw memancarkan aura ga nyantai, mau bilang apa? They say how society reacts to you reflects what you are. So, I have come to terms with the fact that gw emang ga nyantai orangnya. And believe me, I have been trying to rid myself of these behaviours, but I do not even know which one of my behaviours is categorized as "ga nyantai"! I tried my best, but still, nanti ada yang komentar,
"Muka lo nyantai dong!"
"Ya elah, selow aja kale."
"Liat tuh, tampangnya kayak uda mau pulang." (
→ this happens when I wanna quit my circle to attend another errands, or simply wanna go home, but the circle kept continuing their conversation, making it uncomfortable to just leave however eager I am)
"Ga nyante amet lo."
Maybe, I shouldn't try so hard. Because trying so hard is the same as "ga nyante", is that it?
Is it my face? Is it my brows? Is it.....wrong to do my best?! *sigh* I don't know anymore
But tracing back, maybe my childhood was the main cause. I have become afraid of doing this doing that because I was so scared of what will happen at home. Ehm, the punishments and consequences, you see. I can't emit some things here in my blog again because the last time I did, then I had a war with my mom. And let's connect it to the fact that I come from a chinese family, where the parents are so harsh they beat their children 'to death' for being naughty, and not appreciate them unless they got A.
Perhaps because of that, I have been so afraid of not becoming the best. Perhaps that is how I become a perfectionist.
Wow I can't believe I can make my own analysis, as if I am a psychologist. I really shouldn't have taken law -_- I hated the fact that I have very poor argumentation skills (debate). I wanted to take psychology, but....my parents want what's best for me, and they don't think psychology will earn me better money. Not to mention the language majors. And ever since college, I realized how much I have changed. Some things got better, but other things got from better to worse.
Dulu, gw bukan penakut. Sekarang, gw takut akan banyak hal.
Dulu, gw termasuk ranking atas. Sekarang, syukur-syukur ada di tengah.
Dulu, gw banyak temen. Sekarang, kenalan banyak kok,
tapi kalau gw susah ga da yang bantu.
Dulu, gw baik. Sekarang, gw ngegosipin orang karena iri, nyolotin yang (maaf) frik, dan enggan ngasih sedekah buat pengemis ato sumbangan buat yang perlu.
Dulu, gw nasionalis idealis. Sekarang....aduh ga tau deh.
Dulu, gw bisa nepatin apa aja janji yang gw bikin, mau itu janjian sama orang lain atau yang buat diri sendiri. Now....I can't even fulfill promises I made for my own. The commitment is just gone. Perasaan, dulu gw tinggal mikir "bisa" dan bisa. Sekarang....
Contoh kecilnya sih masalah parkour. Dulu gw giat banget senam dsb demi ikut parkour. Sekarang, gw males-malesan, olahraga dikit langsung neg (I'm emetophobic, remember?). So, my huge problem now is how I have formed this habit of making my own resolutions but abandoning them so easily. Here is the list of what I have failed to do:
1. Ga pake kacamata kecuali kalo baca.
2. Belajar bahasa latin, korea, mandarin, jepang, belanda.. Bagusin inggris.
3. Bikin craft buat dijual biar dapet duit.
4. Review materi kuliah tiap hari.
5. Jadi pengurus organisasi fakultas.
6. The parkour thing.
7. Being more religious, stop from doing certain sins.
There are some things that I have achieved however. But well, I am not easily satisfied. I realize that there are things yet for me to achieve.